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After a roughly 6 month hiatus, I am back…with one word: Skinny-dipping.
The word actually means nothing to me, besides the fact that I have done it before and probably will again sometime in the future, but these past six months have been turbulent and been some of the most challenging and best times of my life.
I leave it to Macklemore to conclude for me:
“This is your life, you can’t escape this bitch when it’s hard. Just know that it passes, but you’ll collect scars- They never go away, but they will make you who you are. This is a beautiful struggle…”
au revoir à l’été de l’amour
If anyone had told me graduation day, as I celebrated the end of my college years, that I would: spend the next six months in a fruitless job hunt before returning home to live with my parents in Colorado, spend 2011 in the same futile job hunt, and I would be applying to enter into a leadership institute for 2012 – I wouldn’t have believed them. My first reply would have been: What is a leadership institute? My second assertion would be that God would provide something. He has to. And my final statement would have been, what am I doing going back into school, if it’s not medical school? I just graduated! God’s plan for our lives rarely matches what convention dictates or what we envision. But through this season in the wilderness God has revealed to me so much of Himself and myself, and brought me to a place of faith I could never have reached on my own.
C.S. Lewis once wrote that the interruptions we experience throughout the day are one’s life and the perceived life being interrupted is but a figment of one’s imagination. It’s always been a defense mechanism for me, something to trick my mind into a sense of purpose or direction or safety – to have a plan, my concept of my ideal life. I suppose this is the first brick wall we’ve got to hurdle and there is no way around it but over it: can God direct our steps? Because He will, whether we like it or not, and it will either be a stumbling block, a source of bitterness, or a wellspring of faith and comfort. But after that brick wall comes another: what if the redirection isn’t to our liking? Being denied a promotion and then receiving a job offer elsewhere for a better position is one thing, but what if we lose the promotion and get stiffed with a pay cut? Or what if, like my case, we make plan after plan but none of them work out? When we’re down and out with our backs to the wall, who do we turn to?
Through all of these circumstances, especially what has transpired in my life the past two years, I have learned more and more to trust in God. It’s one thing to agree that God works all things to our good when life is going well, but when you walk through the valley, everything takes on immediate significance. This season in the wilderness has revealed to me so much of the character of God the Father. When you rise from the couch of comfort and enter the trenches of the spiritual war being fought around us, you must overcome the impasse: it can no longer remain head knowledge but a conviction lived through faith. Is God good? Then live in His goodness. Are the pleasures of God yours? Then chase no longer the fleeting pleasures of this world. Are you a citizen of heaven? Then live as foreigners in this world. And with each of these and more, I’ve found that as I step forward in these truths by faith, God will answer. He may not give a mountain of food, but His daily bread sustains us. He may not fulfill all His promises immediately, but where we are is exactly where He wants us to be.
This life is a journey, a progression, nothing is static. And through this time in the wilderness, I have come to a deeper level in my relationship with Him. In the sense that He has revealed aspects of Himself I never knew, He has moved Himself powerfully on my behalf, and He has brought me into a deeper level of fellowship and intimacy with Himself. The entire tone of our adventure together in this life has changed and just as gold refined by the fire, I see impurities in my physical and spiritual life melting away in ways I never thought possible. When God strips everything away, you’ve got no choice but to confront the nakedness of who you are and the truth of who He is. I am learning to follow Him step by step even when the path is unclear, and for it, the dynamic of our relationship can never be the same. In the absence of a master plan, I’ve become acutely aware of the importance of every day. When your circumstances and heart drive you to the throne of grace every day, everything will change.
In Philippians 4:7, Paul writes that “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Many believers have peace, but not a peace which transcends all understanding – a peace that doesn’t make sense. Unbelievers looking in should be perplexed at this great peace, and believers looking in should be encouraged in the truth they know. Truly, He is with us.
I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
Step by step You’ll lead me
I will follow You all of my days
For the past four years, I’ve always made a point of focusing on a specific theme for each relevant chapter of my life. Not that that is the only way in which I want to grow, or that I am dictating God to work in a specific way in my life. But I’ve found that it helps to be intentional in how I personally would like to grow, and even though God is comprehensive in His craftsmanship, I believe that there are times when He likes for us to emphasize certain things. I’ve had Joy in Obedience, Spendesthai, and Love, to name a few, as previous themes.
But as my graduation approached, and I was preparing to enter into a brand new chapter of my life, I was at a loss as to what my next theme should be.
This caught me off guard, because in all three years, God would lead me to a certain phrase or issue and that would be my theme. But this time there was no burden in my heart, no direction, nothing.
Yes, it may seem insignificant but looking back on it now I can see that this was symptomatic of a deeper issue. I didn’t know what to do next and this uncertainty fostered within me a sense of purposelessness.
It’s not that I need God to work for me, or plop the next step onto my lap. But rather, any plans I make, He is determined to break. After a certain point, I begin to wonder, if He is determined to foil my plans, then what are His? Only the question never finds an answer.
https://dimmyimmy.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/you-are-for-me/
And that has been my life this past year. I feel like a traveler stranded at an unfamiliar airport of a foreign nation, waiting for an unknown flight that has been delayed indefinitely.
In Transit.
May my prayers like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh, Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in your sight
Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
So still my anxious urge towards rebellion
And let love keep my will upon its knees
Ever since June, no even before then, going back to perhaps when I lost the MCAT program, I have been caught in an impasse.
A situation I’ve dubbed as being “In transit.” I have finished school, I have graduated – but, I have not been redirected yet. I have left what I was doing before, but my new work has not yet begun.
Perhaps it was dated that I would write this now because it would only be in this way that the fullness of what God is seeking to bring about within me could be understood.
My life has been a long journey of the unexpected. Though I had many plans, God has directed my footsteps.
This is a topic that I’ve been unwilling to address for quite some time, mostly because I’m not out of the fire yet, and more than that fact, because it is better to hold these things from the safety of retrospect, besides there may yet be lessons to learn.
The end of this week will mark roughly the tenth month after my graduation, and yet, here I am still without a job. It’s been a humbling experience to say the least.
And throughout my seven month job hunt, doubts and feelings of discouragement have been a constant companion, unwanted though they may be. To be sure, there are many people who are far worse off in this economy than I am, but, that doesn’t take away from how badly this sucks. Perspective mixed with reality.
As I write this now, I don’t know what the future holds, but I have promises and in a way, I can rest assured that there is only so much I can do. The rest is in God’s sovereign direction – the timing, and the place.
I am reminded of what a speaker once said, that there are two types of faiths, an “if” faith, and a “though” faith. An “if” faith says, “If you do this, God…. If you do that, God… then I will praise you, then I will follow You.” But a “though” faith says, “Though nothing is going right… Though I will suffer… still will I praise you, still will I follow You.”
It’s so hard trying to remain faithful to God, when situations and circumstances seem to be working against you, when trials come and you are tested, but only through the fire do we find our refinement. And I realize that our minor inconveniences are not carrying our cross. To know Christ. Know the power of His resurrection. To share in the fellowship of His sufferings. Become like Him in His death.
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
It seems so simple yet profound, that God will be God in my life.
For this period of my life, I believe that God wants me to learn to trust in Him. Faith.
That is why at this juncture, I am labeling this period of my life: “Step by Step.” Of course, I don’t want to lose the irony of this, normally, I choose or am lead to a certain virtue or aspect that I will pray especially hard for. But this time, I can only, in retrospect define what God has been working within my life. Sometimes, God’s plans are so big we can only catch a glimpse of it after it happens.
We want to have intentionality, we want purpose, we want direction, we want passion. I want to know and control where I am going, but more and more, I am learning to just live in the moment in trust of Him.
That this truth will stand.
Where I am is exactly where God has placed me – where He wants me to be. And more desperately, that God has put me through all of this with good in His heart. It wasn’t one big mistake. Even more than that, oh, far beyond that, that everything in my life whether good or bad, that He will work for my good. Romans 8:28-30.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed in the likeness of His Son, that He might be the first born among many brothers. And those He predestined He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.”
Oh the depth of the foundation of this passage. That He works all things to good, and that our hope in this is secured from before time.
November 1, 2010. “I learned today that this moment here, for me, is a pivotal moment. Things have changed. And in the back of my mind, I’ve always wondered if the reason I seem to be wandering is because I don’t have a purpose yet. And so, I’ve termed this period as Step by Step.”
To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun
All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride
February 14, 2011 (in no connection with the actual “holiday”) I journaled, “God, I want to stop being so fake and distant. In this time of my trials and suffering, will You continue to destroy me? For all I am is hanging by a thread and that thread is You.”
God, I don’t have to reach millions, but let not my life go to waste.
God, I have been crawling back into the trenches of regret and despair, wondering if I fucked up.
But God, I trust in the face of it all, that You are with me. That Davis.DKC.CFHI. The past five years, and even more than that, revolving back to Korea, and beyond, that all of it was not a mistake. A glaring irrevocable glitch cursed to haunt me the rest of my life.
But rather, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’” Jeremiah 29:11-12.
God for so much of my life, I have been in trials. God, You know this is true. And Lord, it was Your design.
I know that if You put me through it, that there was a purpose.
That there is no “risk” when it comes to Your will because You are Sovereign, Lord.
Lord, I will believe in Your promises and love and power and wisdom.
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
But to Your name be the glory,
For the sake of Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness!
Why should the nations say, “Where is their God?”
Our God is in the heaves; All that He pleases, He does.”
Psalm 115:1-3.
And so God, I wait for You. I will wait for You, my Rock and my salvation.
“God, Father, in everything I wait for You. As I move from one chapter of my life to another, please guide me for You Namesake. Fulfill Your promises, oh God. And lead me, to the next stage of my life. I will trust in You, for in You is my faith and hope justified and exceeded.”
I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
Step by step You’ll lead me
I will follow You all of my days
Soli Deo Gloria
If you couldn’t tell by the “Soli Deo Gloria” that was supposed to be the conclusion, but it seems… insufficient.
How to end this????
Maybe I will end this with a post I wrote shortly after my computer crashed last October.
“Right now, I think that is where I am, rebirth. God, I am so scared.
And even though I have felt a growing callous and a distance between us. God, won’t you hear me as I type this prayer?
I need you.
How long will you lead me through the wilderness before I am allowed to drink from still waters?
How long will I wander around the valley of shadow before I am allowed to lay in green pastures?
Lord, you know. And in the face of your glory, I find my problems, my guilt, my shortcomings, my “problems” fading away to nothing. What are they in the sight of your holiness?
I am dust, from the earth I have come and to it I shall return. Though I dreamt lofty and riveting words to write, I find myself humbled in your presence, as if your majesty was filling this room and my heart. And so, I will not speak, and with Job I will say, “My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
Silenced.
And for all this, I cannot but say that You are good.
Know my heart and may it speak for me, these words won’t do.”
Coram Deo
Interesting, tragically so, that the night I had approached with a determination to commune with God only ended in my sin against Him.
And in my weakness, Satan used the very Word I relied on as a weapon against me.
God, could I still meet you here?
For years I’ve lived with my asceticism. But, is it not your lovingkindness which leads us to repentance?
God, I don’t deserve you. But, if you will have me, then take all of me.
Meet me in my brokenness.
Honestly, nothing about this post makes sense, not with anything I’ve done with this blog before….Nothing between the title and this post. I don’t even know what this post is, and so with intentionality lost, I’m allowing it to just….be.
Today was bittersweet and I’m not really sure what to make of it.
I woke up and went to the Silo for QT. No one there, but I don’t blame my boys, i missed mine when I was in their shoes.
Studied for my NPB Lab practical.
Went to pay my course materials fee and found that if I’m up to the challenge of hunting down and trekking to three different departments, I might get it waived – $135 is a lot.
Got a bagel at the MU.
I broke my laptop today. I want to blame the girl who cut me off and forced me into a huge billboard… in front of everyone. But then again, maybe I should have just gotten off. I could live with the fact that I was humiliated in front of everyone, as a boarder its an occupational hazard. But why the laptop? Why right before finals? Fortunately, the hard ware is ok. Unfortunately, screens are expensive to replace.
Picked up my cap and gown. Met D.Roh as he left, and Tori came in after me and we chatted for a good hour. Got joined by Samantha and Chloe for a little bit.
Met Oaxaca peeps. Walked with Liz to her bus stop and walked Anna to her class(where we ran into Denise) before heading off to the library where I met Samantha again. Chatted to Olson at which point I went to the library and spent 20 minutes trying to find a seat. (Finals are upon us once again).
Studied for NPB lab practical.
Got dinner with Chris at DC, and had a good talk with a Pre-Me hopeful. Hopefully, he will avoid the errors I made at his age.
Studied for NPB lab practical.
Went to the room where it was announced that since one of the TA’s had given out the answers to one of the test forms, the prof. decided to cancel the practical. Eff. I needed that practical.Now I am debating whether I should take it next week, but worried that I won’t be able to study for it as well as if I had it today.Why did I get stuck with the hard TA?
Went home.
Checked the mail.
Stopped by 35 on an impulse because the tv was on. Chilled, watching So You Think You Can Dance with Anna, Tiff, Michelle, Jean, and Sharon. Thank you for the tea and bread with hummus.
Came home.
Mellow. Its 11 and studying is the furthest thing from my mind. What to doooooo….. well congratulations, at least you just spent 15.5 hours in my shoes.
Well, here’s a passage I have been meditating on for the past week or so:
“Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD : Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn; look to Abraham, your father, and to Sarah, who gave you birth.
When I called him he was but one, and I blessed him and made him many.
The LORD will surely comfort Zion and will look with compassion on all her ruins; he will make her deserts like Eden, her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the sound of singing.
“Listen to me, my people; hear me, my nation: The law will go out from me; my justice will become a light to the nations. My righteousness draws near speedily, my salvation is on the way, and my arm will bring justice to the nations. The islands will look to me and wait in hope for my arm. Lift up your eyes to the heavens, look at the earth beneath; the heavens will vanish like smoke, the earth will wear out like a garment and its inhabitants die like flies. But my salvation will last forever, my righteousness will never fail.
“Hear me, you who know what is right, you people who have my law in your hearts: Do not fear the reproach of men or be terrified by their insults. For the moth will eat them up like a garment; the worm will devour them like wool.
But my righteousness will last forever, my salvation through all generations.”
Awake, awake! Clothe yourself with strength, O arm of the LORD; awake, as in days gone by, as in generations of old.
Was it not you who cut Rahab to pieces, who pierced that monster through?
Was it not you who dried up the sea, the waters of the great deep, who made a road in the depths of the sea so that the redeemed might cross over?
The ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.
“I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.
For I am the LORD your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar—the LORD Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, ‘You are my people.’ ”
Isaiah 51:1-16
Sometimes, coming to the end of a day and just being content is enough. I normally sign off with Soli Deo gloria…. but this seemed more appropriate:
Coram Deo
Father, if all my springs are Thee, why am I dry?
If You are my strength, why am I weak?
If You are my light, why do I stumble?
If You are my wisdom, why do my words speak of foolishness?
If You are my passion, why does it smolder?
If You are my heart, why is it calloused?
If You are my life, why do I feel dead?
If You are with me, why do I feel so alone?
If You will never leave me, why can’t I see You?
If You will provide, why do I lack?
God, I desperately need You.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Remember Your servant, how I zealously serve You, and seek You, and thirst for You. Why then, do I only feel Your absence, and Your abandonment, and an alienating distance from You?
The sound of singing I no longer hear, only the sounds of the waves and breakers crashing continuously and relentlessly to overwhelm me. Trials and suffering drown me and there is no relief in sight. My heart is in turmoil and it hurts.
My enemies hem me in from all sides, persecution and injustice abound, and in the midst of this spiritual warfare, I find myself naked and ill equipped. Oppression weighs down my soul like weights in the sea – don’t let me drown.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
I will remember Jesus, whose soul was troubled to the point of death in Gethsemane as He contemplated the cup He was about to drink. I will remember when I feel forsaken, that He was forsaken. I will remember when I feel downcast, that He was crushed. Crushed with the full fury of Your righteousness. Crushed with our sin so that we might be redeemed and restored.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
“When you cannot trace God’s hand, you can trust His heart.”
I sing of Your sovereignty, Your goodness, Your faithfulness, and Your love.
And in the desolation of winter, I catch a fragrance of life – hope – spring is in the winds.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Hope, He’s coming.
Soli Deo gloria
Psalm 42
Adventure.
We love it. We hate it. We need it. We were created for it.
Oh, the uncertainty of it all! How many times have we asked God to show us the end?
What college should I go to? What should my career be? Who should I marry?
We fear the uncertainty and are terrified of a life lived below its “full potential.” We want to maximize our control of any given situation. We do not want to live by faith alone – in what our eyes cannot see.
So we grow uncomfortable around things we don’t know, things we have no control over. Rather than trusting in the sovereign benevolence of our God, we seek to turn Him into something we can dictate and wield. We are scared.
We forsake His promises and forget His faithfulness.
We acknowledge Him with our lips but in our hearts, our actions, and our lives we behave as the pagans do. But, we don’t have to live as the pagans do any longer.
God has given us His promises, His assurances, and a freedom to live.
A freedom in living. Our lives aren’t manuscripts.
So here we stand on the brink, with the world before us, our victory secure, and our God at our side. Who can stand against us? The most repeated commandment in the Bible is this: “Do not fear….do not be afraid… do not be terrified….do not be discouraged…etc.” We need to see our lives not as a gamble, or struggle, or obstacle – but an adventure. Opportunities to be seized, risks to be taken, and a life to be lived. Don’t let it pass you by. The reason why there is so much at risk is because there is so much to gain.
At the end of it all, we will realize that it was never about the ends, or the destination. It was all about the journey. Of placing one foot in front of the other. Of drawing our swords against overwhelming odds. Of picking ourselves up and dusting off the seventh time we fall and fail.
Your adventure awaits, what will it be?
As for me, get ready my armor and my horse – there are dragons to be slain.
Soli Deo gloria
It’s been almost two weeks. Two weeks since I was dealt a blow that shattered ‘most everything I had come to find peace in.
It was a Friday morning and I was in the library when I received the email that told me there was no funding for the program I had based the next three years of my life around. Ominous.
Could I ever recover?
When you lose something too good to be true, you wonder whether there really is hope in what you strive for. But worse still is the ambiguity – was it for a reason? Maybe God is frustrating my path in hopes of refining me. Maybe God is trying to stop me from entering a dead end. Damn it, God, I’m a fifth year and honestly, your servant isn’t strong enough for this.
Can I endure?
I remember standing on the shore of Lake Tahoe, Memorial Day 2009, DT Retreat. An ominous storm was brewing on the other side, obscuring the shore in a dark haze. I saw my future there – unpredictable…unforeseeable. Now, once again, I can’t see the shore.
Dark day. The whole day afterwards was tainted, library- – > home – – > MSM.
After we had finished Bible Study and were worshipping, I cried out to God…I called out to Him. Then, heaven-sent, This is Our God started playing and in that moment God showed Himself to me. He embraced me and showed me the end of it all:
Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is Your love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign King
Rescued the world
This is our God
It was all about the cross. The climax and crux upon which all of creation, time, and history turns.
In that moment, I was silenced. I had gotten distracted and consumed by frivolity, with ashes. I had forgotten.
Forgive me God.
But, what to do? The blow had left me feeling exposed and misguided – without a destination, purpose, or path.
I was determined to pray to God. But when I went to chapel I found myself speechless, without a word to say. So, I listened.
That’s when I heard:
So faithful, so constant,
So loving and so true,
So powerful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.
So patient, so gracious,
So merciful and true,
So wonderful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.
I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are
You would come down from heaven’s height, even if just to write upon my heart, to remind me of who You are. You will never forsake me in my weakness. God, I know that You are for me.
Soli Deo gloria
Million Dollar Smile…
That’s what they used to call me. I never really understood why. I won’t go so far as to say that I have a horrible smile, but really? A Million Dollars? Perhaps I grew out of it. I don’t get it as often now, and more than my smile, people will usually comment on my laugh which tends to follow.
So I’ve been thinking about it, and I’m curious, what makes a good smile? Is it pearly white teeth? Is it the size of and the way we part our lips? Is it the size and spacing of our teeth?
But, even beyond that…
What makes a smile true and genuine? The kind of smile which lights up the room with warmth and love and mirth.
I even tried an experiment after being told that I could get away with anything with my smile:
Hypothesis: I can get away with anything with my smile.
Test Subject: Lisa Cho.
Environment: Eunice Paek’s Birthday Party.
Objective: Kick her in the shins and offer nothing other than a smile.
Results: She questioned me and then “laughed it off.”
Conclusion: Okay, so the experiment failed and did not nor could it have proved anything. Except that getting kicked in the shins hurts. It was a stupid experiment I shouldn’t have gotten myself into. And so, I would like to apologize to the scientific method for this travesty.
Por lo tanto, after thinking about it, I’ve come to realize that the truth and the genuineness of a smile was never in our lips or in our teeth – but in our eyes. There is an inexplicable way in which our eyes luminate when our smile is truly from the heart.
How ironic that all this time the secret to our smile was never in our mouths but in our eyes. Look carefully the next time you see someone smiling and observe their eyes: does their smile stop at their buccinator muscles or does it extend up to the orbicularis oculi muscles?
This kind of smile, the ones like a contagious and mood-lifting wildfire, the ones that make the eyes sparkle – those are the kinds of smiles that can change your day. And I bet you that when Jesus smiled, his whole face would light up like the sun. I can’t wait to see it.
Soli Deo gloria
😀
PS. I would also like to apologize to Lisa, I really don’t go around kicking people for fun.
Coram Deo - Living Before the Face of God 