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Father, if all my springs are Thee, why am I dry?
If You are my strength, why am I weak?
If You are my light, why do I stumble?
If You are my wisdom, why do my words speak of foolishness?
If You are my passion, why does it smolder?
If You are my heart, why is it calloused?
If You are my life, why do I feel dead?
If You are with me, why do I feel so alone?
If You will never leave me, why can’t I see You?
If You will provide, why do I lack?
God, I desperately need You.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Remember Your servant, how I zealously serve You, and seek You, and thirst for You. Why then, do I only feel Your absence, and Your abandonment, and an alienating distance from You?
The sound of singing I no longer hear, only the sounds of the waves and breakers crashing continuously and relentlessly to overwhelm me. Trials and suffering drown me and there is no relief in sight. My heart is in turmoil and it hurts.
My enemies hem me in from all sides, persecution and injustice abound, and in the midst of this spiritual warfare, I find myself naked and ill equipped. Oppression weighs down my soul like weights in the sea – don’t let me drown.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
I will remember Jesus, whose soul was troubled to the point of death in Gethsemane as He contemplated the cup He was about to drink. I will remember when I feel forsaken, that He was forsaken. I will remember when I feel downcast, that He was crushed. Crushed with the full fury of Your righteousness. Crushed with our sin so that we might be redeemed and restored.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
“When you cannot trace God’s hand, you can trust His heart.”
I sing of Your sovereignty, Your goodness, Your faithfulness, and Your love.
And in the desolation of winter, I catch a fragrance of life – hope – spring is in the winds.
Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God.
Hope, He’s coming.
Soli Deo gloria
Psalm 42
Adventure.
We love it. We hate it. We need it. We were created for it.
Oh, the uncertainty of it all! How many times have we asked God to show us the end?
What college should I go to? What should my career be? Who should I marry?
We fear the uncertainty and are terrified of a life lived below its “full potential.” We want to maximize our control of any given situation. We do not want to live by faith alone – in what our eyes cannot see.
So we grow uncomfortable around things we don’t know, things we have no control over. Rather than trusting in the sovereign benevolence of our God, we seek to turn Him into something we can dictate and wield. We are scared.
We forsake His promises and forget His faithfulness.
We acknowledge Him with our lips but in our hearts, our actions, and our lives we behave as the pagans do. But, we don’t have to live as the pagans do any longer.
God has given us His promises, His assurances, and a freedom to live.
A freedom in living. Our lives aren’t manuscripts.
So here we stand on the brink, with the world before us, our victory secure, and our God at our side. Who can stand against us? The most repeated commandment in the Bible is this: “Do not fear….do not be afraid… do not be terrified….do not be discouraged…etc.” We need to see our lives not as a gamble, or struggle, or obstacle – but an adventure. Opportunities to be seized, risks to be taken, and a life to be lived. Don’t let it pass you by. The reason why there is so much at risk is because there is so much to gain.
At the end of it all, we will realize that it was never about the ends, or the destination. It was all about the journey. Of placing one foot in front of the other. Of drawing our swords against overwhelming odds. Of picking ourselves up and dusting off the seventh time we fall and fail.
Your adventure awaits, what will it be?
As for me, get ready my armor and my horse – there are dragons to be slain.
Soli Deo gloria
“11 Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. 12 It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, “Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” 13 Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, “Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?” 14 No, the WORD is very near you; it is in your MOUTH and in your HEART so you may obey it.
15 See, I set before you today LIFE and PROSPERITY, DEATH and DESTRUCTION. 16 For I command you today to LOVE the LORD your God, to WALK in his ways, and to KEEP his commands, decrees and laws; then you will LIVE and INCREASE, and the LORD your God will BLESS you in the land you are entering to possess.
17 But if your heart turns away and you are NOT OBEDIENT, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, 18 I declare to you this day that you will certainly be DESTROYED. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.
19 This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I HAVE SET BEFORE YOU LIFE and DEATH, BLESSINGS and CURSES. Now CHOOSE LIFE, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your LIFE, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.”
– Deuteronomy 30: 11-20
Now choose – who will you serve?
It’s been almost two weeks. Two weeks since I was dealt a blow that shattered ‘most everything I had come to find peace in.
It was a Friday morning and I was in the library when I received the email that told me there was no funding for the program I had based the next three years of my life around. Ominous.
Could I ever recover?
When you lose something too good to be true, you wonder whether there really is hope in what you strive for. But worse still is the ambiguity – was it for a reason? Maybe God is frustrating my path in hopes of refining me. Maybe God is trying to stop me from entering a dead end. Damn it, God, I’m a fifth year and honestly, your servant isn’t strong enough for this.
Can I endure?
I remember standing on the shore of Lake Tahoe, Memorial Day 2009, DT Retreat. An ominous storm was brewing on the other side, obscuring the shore in a dark haze. I saw my future there – unpredictable…unforeseeable. Now, once again, I can’t see the shore.
Dark day. The whole day afterwards was tainted, library- – > home – – > MSM.
After we had finished Bible Study and were worshipping, I cried out to God…I called out to Him. Then, heaven-sent, This is Our God started playing and in that moment God showed Himself to me. He embraced me and showed me the end of it all:
Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is Your love
Poured out for all
This is our God
Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign King
Rescued the world
This is our God
It was all about the cross. The climax and crux upon which all of creation, time, and history turns.
In that moment, I was silenced. I had gotten distracted and consumed by frivolity, with ashes. I had forgotten.
Forgive me God.
But, what to do? The blow had left me feeling exposed and misguided – without a destination, purpose, or path.
I was determined to pray to God. But when I went to chapel I found myself speechless, without a word to say. So, I listened.
That’s when I heard:
So faithful, so constant,
So loving and so true,
So powerful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.
So patient, so gracious,
So merciful and true,
So wonderful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.
I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are
You would come down from heaven’s height, even if just to write upon my heart, to remind me of who You are. You will never forsake me in my weakness. God, I know that You are for me.
Soli Deo gloria
Coram Deo - Living Before the Face of God 