It’s been almost two weeks. Two weeks since I was dealt a blow that shattered ‘most everything I had come to find peace in.
It was a Friday morning and I was in the library when I received the email that told me there was no funding for the program I had based the next three years of my life around. Ominous.
Could I ever recover?
When you lose something too good to be true, you wonder whether there really is hope in what you strive for. But worse still is the ambiguity – was it for a reason? Maybe God is frustrating my path in hopes of refining me. Maybe God is trying to stop me from entering a dead end. Damn it, God, I’m a fifth year and honestly, your servant isn’t strong enough for this.
Can I endure?
I remember standing on the shore of Lake Tahoe, Memorial Day 2009, DT Retreat. An ominous storm was brewing on the other side, obscuring the shore in a dark haze. I saw my future there – unpredictable…unforeseeable. Now, once again, I can’t see the shore.
Dark day. The whole day afterwards was tainted, library- – > home – – > MSM.
After we had finished Bible Study and were worshipping, I cried out to God…I called out to Him. Then, heaven-sent, This is Our God started playing and in that moment God showed Himself to me. He embraced me and showed me the end of it all:

Freely You gave it all for us
Surrendered Your life upon that cross
Great is Your love
Poured out for all
This is our God

Lifted on high from death to life
Forever our God is glorified
Sovereign King
Rescued the world
This is our God

It was all about the cross. The climax and crux upon which all of creation, time, and history turns.
In that moment, I was silenced. I had gotten distracted and consumed by frivolity, with ashes. I had forgotten.
Forgive me God.
But, what to do? The blow had left me feeling exposed and misguided – without a destination, purpose, or path.
I was determined to pray to God. But when I went to chapel I found myself speechless, without a word to say. So, I listened.
That’s when I heard:

So faithful, so constant,
So loving and so true,
So powerful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.

So patient, so gracious,
So merciful and true,
So wonderful in all You do You fill me,
You see me,
You know my every move,
You love for me to sing to You.

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness
I know that you have come down
Even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who you are

You would come down from heaven’s height, even if just to write upon my heart, to remind me of who You are. You will never forsake me in my weakness. God, I know that You are for me.

Soli Deo gloria