Sometimes By Step

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
Step by step You’ll lead me
I will follow You all of my days

For the past four years, I’ve always made a point of focusing on a specific theme for each relevant chapter of my life. Not that that is the only way in which I want to grow, or that I am dictating God to work in a specific way in my life. But I’ve found that it helps to be intentional in how I personally would like to grow, and even though God is comprehensive in His craftsmanship, I believe that there are times when He likes for us to emphasize certain things. I’ve had Joy in Obedience, Spendesthai, and Love, to name a few, as previous themes.
But as my graduation approached, and I was preparing to enter into a brand new chapter of my life, I was at a loss as to what my next theme should be.
This caught me off guard, because in all three years, God would lead me to a certain phrase or issue and that would be my theme. But this time there was no burden in my heart, no direction, nothing.
Yes, it may seem insignificant but looking back on it now I can see that this was symptomatic of a deeper issue. I didn’t know what to do next and this uncertainty fostered within me a sense of purposelessness.
It’s not that I need God to work for me, or plop the next step onto my lap. But rather, any plans I make, He is determined to break. After a certain point, I begin to wonder, if He is determined to foil my plans, then what are His? Only the question never finds an answer.
https://dimmyimmy.wordpress.com/2010/03/01/you-are-for-me/
And that has been my life this past year. I feel like a traveler stranded at an unfamiliar airport of a foreign nation, waiting for an unknown flight that has been delayed indefinitely.
In Transit.

May my prayers like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh, Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
So still my anxious urge towards rebellion
And let love keep my will upon its knees

Ever since June, no even before then, going back to perhaps when I lost the MCAT program, I have been caught in an impasse.
A situation I’ve dubbed as being “In transit.” I have finished school, I have graduated – but, I have not been redirected yet. I have left what I was doing before, but my new work has not yet begun.
Perhaps it was dated that I would write this now because it would only be in this way that the fullness of what God is seeking to bring about within me could be understood.
My life has been a long journey of the unexpected. Though I had many plans, God has directed my footsteps.
This is a topic that I’ve been unwilling to address for quite some time, mostly because I’m not out of the fire yet, and more than that fact, because it is better to hold these things from the safety of retrospect, besides there may yet be lessons to learn.
The end of this week will mark roughly the tenth month after my graduation, and yet, here I am still without a job. It’s been a humbling experience to say the least.
And throughout my seven month job hunt, doubts and feelings of discouragement have been a constant companion, unwanted though they may be. To be sure, there are many people who are far worse off in this economy than I am, but, that doesn’t take away from how badly this sucks. Perspective mixed with reality.
As I write this now, I don’t know what the future holds, but I have promises and in a way, I can rest assured that there is only so much I can do. The rest is in God’s sovereign direction – the timing, and the place.
I am reminded of what a speaker once said, that there are two types of faiths, an “if” faith, and a “though” faith. An “if” faith says, “If you do this, God…. If you do that, God… then I will praise you, then I will follow You.” But a “though” faith says, “Though nothing is going right… Though I will suffer… still will I praise you, still will I follow You.”
It’s so hard trying to remain faithful to God, when situations and circumstances seem to be working against you, when trials come and you are tested, but only through the fire do we find our refinement. And I realize that our minor inconveniences are not carrying our cross. To know Christ. Know the power of His resurrection. To share in the fellowship of His sufferings. Become like Him in His death.

Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You

It seems so simple yet profound, that God will be God in my life.
For this period of my life, I believe that God wants me to learn to trust in Him. Faith.
That is why at this juncture, I am labeling this period of my life: “Step by Step.” Of course, I don’t want to lose the irony of this, normally, I choose or am lead to a certain virtue or aspect that I will pray especially hard for. But this time, I can only, in retrospect define what God has been working within my life. Sometimes, God’s plans are so big we can only catch a glimpse of it after it happens.
We want to have intentionality, we want purpose, we want direction, we want passion. I want to know and control where I am going, but more and more, I am learning to just live in the moment in trust of Him.
That this truth will stand.
Where I am is exactly where God has placed me – where He wants me to be. And more desperately, that God has put me through all of this with good in His heart. It wasn’t one big mistake. Even more than that, oh, far beyond that, that everything in my life whether good or bad, that He will work for my good. Romans 8:28-30.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed in the likeness of His Son, that He might be the first born among many brothers. And those He predestined He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.”
Oh the depth of the foundation of this passage. That He works all things to good, and that our hope in this is secured from before time.
November 1, 2010. “I learned today that this moment here, for me, is a pivotal moment. Things have changed. And in the back of my mind, I’ve always wondered if the reason I seem to be wandering is because I don’t have a purpose yet. And so, I’ve termed this period as Step by Step.”

To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

February 14, 2011 (in no connection with the actual “holiday”) I journaled, “God, I want to stop being so fake and distant. In this time of my trials and suffering, will You continue to destroy me? For all I am is hanging by a thread and that thread is You.”

God, I don’t have to reach millions, but let not my life go to waste.
God, I have been crawling back into the trenches of regret and despair, wondering if I fucked up.
But God, I trust in the face of it all, that You are with me. That Davis.DKC.CFHI. The past five years, and even more than that, revolving back to Korea, and beyond, that all of it was not a mistake. A glaring irrevocable glitch cursed to haunt me the rest of my life.
But rather, “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.’” Jeremiah 29:11-12.
God for so much of my life, I have been in trials. God, You know this is true. And Lord, it was Your design.
I know that if You put me through it, that there was a purpose.
That there is no “risk” when it comes to Your will because You are Sovereign, Lord.
Lord, I will believe in Your promises and love and power and wisdom.
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us,
But to Your name be the glory,
For the sake of Your steadfast love and Your faithfulness!
Why should the nations say, “Where is their God?”
Our God is in the heaves; All that He pleases, He does.”
Psalm 115:1-3.
And so God, I wait for You. I will wait for You, my Rock and my salvation.
“God, Father, in everything I wait for You. As I move from one chapter of my life to another, please guide me for You Namesake. Fulfill Your promises, oh God. And lead me, to the next stage of my life. I will trust in You, for in You is my faith and hope justified and exceeded.”

I will seek You in the morning
I will learn to walk in Your ways
Step by step You’ll lead me
I will follow You all of my days

Soli Deo Gloria

If you couldn’t tell by the “Soli Deo Gloria” that was supposed to be the conclusion, but it seems… insufficient.
How to end this????
Maybe I will end this with a post I wrote shortly after my computer crashed last October.
“Right now, I think that is where I am, rebirth. God, I am so scared.
And even though I have felt a growing callous and a distance between us. God, won’t you hear me as I type this prayer?
I need you.
How long will you lead me through the wilderness before I am allowed to drink from still waters?
How long will I wander around the valley of shadow before I am allowed to lay in green pastures?
Lord, you know. And in the face of your glory, I find my problems, my guilt, my shortcomings, my “problems” fading away to nothing. What are they in the sight of your holiness?
I am dust, from the earth I have come and to it I shall return. Though I dreamt lofty and riveting words to write, I find myself humbled in your presence, as if your majesty was filling this room and my heart. And so, I will not speak, and with Job I will say, “My ears had heard of You but now my eyes have seen You. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”
Silenced.

And for all this, I cannot but say that You are good.
Know my heart and may it speak for me, these words won’t do.”

Coram Deo

BIG

New Life Mish Mash

What is happening in young men and women today?
More and more, men and women are taking life by the horns, tackling work and life with ferocity and gusto. Which is a good thing. But we are in the midst of an epidemic in which many young people are doing well in their jobs, and they are doing too well for their own good.
Basically, they are given a small job, and they tackle it head on, learning the skills and nuances required to succeed at that job, so they get promoted or scalped away to another company for more pay and more responsibilities. They tackle their new set of responsibilities with the same fervor and pour themselves into their jobs, so they can excel at their new level. And excel they do, and as their lists of skills and management grows, they are promoted again and the cycle repeats.
But twenty years down the road, as they juggle a dozen different plates and a mountain of responsibilities, their whole world comes crashing down.

Why?

Because they never took the time to develop their inner character. So you find groups of forty year old men, (and increasingly women), who despite their amazing external credentials and talents, never reached (wo)manhood. Though they were intentional and persistent in developing their external character, they neglected their inner character.
They are a twenty year old mind trapped in a forty year old body – stuck in a state of mental, emotional, and spiritual immaturity.

Voilà, mid-life crisis. This is happening over and over, cycling through the generations.

And all along the way, they never stopped to question whether they should take the promotion, bigger job offer, and only dwelt on whether they could, and how they could remedy that.
Despite the popular saying, “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover,” it has no basis in biblical doctrine. Jesus said that we can recognize people by their fruit (Matthew 7, John 15). Jesus said that the things from within in our hearts will overflow into our actions, thoughts, desires, and words (Luke 6, Matthew 12). And in light of this we must consider, what is within us? Because we will reap what we sow (Galations 6:7). So what seeds are you sowing in your life today? We are sowing the the crops of tomorrow today, so make sure it is good fruit that you are planting.

Ultimately, we should draw our definition of maturity from the life of Christ, He who lived the perfect and exemplary life. How did Jesus live? We’ve forgotten to put Jesus in front of us, instead we overlook Him and immerse ourselves in the culture.
But three things we see of Christ: He was selfless, responsible, and humble.
How does your life stack up to His? The author and perfecter of our faith.